The Karaoke Menagerie
Michael J. Vaughn
The Tortoise: Takes as long as possible to arrive at the stage, the better to build anticipation for its glorious performance.The Hare: Keeps careful track of the rotation and appears onstage, as if by magic, before the KJ has even called its name.
The Red-Tailed Smoke-Hawk: Commonly found on the patio, hawking up its lungs. Only comes inside to sing, and even then requires a formal invitation from a fellow patron (or "fetcher").
The Toadie: Takes any and all opportunities to ask for a round of applause for the KJ, and occasionally carries the tip jar around seeking extra donations. Identifiable by its extremely brown nose. Strangely, this creature is never an actual friend of the KJ.
The Barnacle: Repeats the chorus while the outro plays, then repeats it again after the song ends. Then dedicates the song to the original singer, his dying grandma, and the drunk chick at the end of the bar. Then decides to tell a joke. Anything to hang on to that precious microphone.
The Bull Moose: Believes that the only good singing is loud singing. Has a mic technique resembling fellatio. Can also be found singing in the audience, where it is fully capable of drowning out whoever's on stage.
The Lemming: The least talented singer in the bar, this creature nonetheless insists on singing the most difficult songs. These leaps off the cliff, alas, are never fatal.
The Peacock: Entirely focused on the mating ritual, this high-voiced male sings nothing but sexy, get-in-your-pants tunes from the Motown era: Luther Vandross, Marvin Gaye and endless repetitions of "Unchained Melody." Also look for a lower-voiced sub-species, the Barry White Pheasant. Both variations are identifiable by surrounding flocks of females, who totally fall for it.
The Gnat: Constantly hovers at the KJ station, asking how long it'll be before its turn to sing.
The Bat: Equipped with highly sensitive ears, this creature precedes its turn by requesting several minute adjustments to the sound. When it's finally ready to sing, it produces a barely audible squeak.
The Mockingbird: Likes to change its song every three minutes. But for the title of a classic novel, would have been killed a long time ago.
The Crab: Fond of complaining about other singers, even though its own talents lie barely above sea level.
The Chimpanzee: Attempts to hide an utter lack of talent through constant gesticulation. Occasionally throws feces on unappreciative audiences.
The Butterfly: Constantly works the room in an attempt to lobby support for its upcoming performance. (See politician.)
The Snail: Carries all of its CDGs on its back. Would never use one of the KJ's discs!
The Vulture: Waits until a fellow singer heads for the stage, and then moves in on his woman.
Homing Pigeon: Comes back to the same three songs again and again and again.
The Remora: This parasitic sea creature likes to latch on to other singers in order to get more stage time. Arrives with a group of friends, sings "backup" for all of them, and then completely drowns them out. Closely related to...
The Praying Mantis: A female who asks a male to sing a duet with her, and then insists they do it on his turn.
The Snake: This scaly creature tries to buy his way up in the rotation by offering exorbitant tips to the KJ.
The Sheep: Never sings a song until it's been sung by a dozen others.
The Canary: Sings from the moment it enters the bar until closing time: sings along with the singer, between songs, in the restroom. Either believes that life is an opera, where no dialogue is necessary, or is on meth.
The Donkey: The braying speech of this creature can cut through anything being produced onstage. Closely related to...
The Hen: Comes to a karaoke bar to ignore all the singers and talk talk talk talk talk talk talk.
Tyrannosaurus rex: Once thought to be extinct, this thunder-voiced creature is hampered by extremely short arms, which prohibits it from clapping for other singers.
See the serial version of Michael's novel "Outro" at http://www.outronovel.blog